When life gives you lemon, make lemonade. Sounds crazy though but its impressive how one can steer the way of one’s life to reach the road of dreams.
In this adventurous journey called life, million times I got hit with the people who were generous enough to understand why I am doing; what I am doing. There was a foundation that the relationships were built on all this while. And I had surrendered myself completely so as to be undeterred in achieving whatever I had planned for. Undoubtedly, these relations have been fundamental to me building a world of my own, when I merely wanted to sit, cry and watch my life happening.
When someone asks me to share my life with them, I really look back and get connected how far I have come counting days and sleepless nights. Yes, I certainly recall my hopes, dreams, beliefs and home. It’s so humanly to be judgemental, criticise and complain every time and never consider the power of acknowledgement, appreciation and kindness surrounding us. Let me tell you, “I’m no different.” I always thought these expressions do require a saintly heart which I don’t have. To me , it seemingly felt like asking a victim, a mere survivor of circumstances to suddenly start liking a world for which she developed immense hatred for.
And why is that so. Over a series of decade, I experienced critics for everything we do, say or hear; hence, I built a protective shell around me, called “Don’t step ahead, it’s dangerous for you and me.” Not knowing why but yes it gave me a bit relief. Atleast, it was better that you can take on the bully for your personality, for your mindfulness or your mediocrity and for not standing out from the crowd and blame the other person for that. I did that as it was easy. I had no idea whatsoever, if I can’t blame people, situations, world and this universe what will I do. Be it trying my luck with engineering; dirtying my hands at poetry; leading social events for big crowds; beating the cacophony in the bathroom or showing boomerang dance steps, creation of something new, thrilling, exciting is what my heart always sought. Deep down it was all a lonely, desolate voice, meek and silent calling me to shut my eyes for some time, and seeking a higher self.
Every time I tried to pull myself from the shells of my created walls; it got painfully and hauntingly harder. Finding an escape route and most times, at the expense of hurting the people who had held my hands in times good and worst. Whatever they may call; a literate, an intellect or a souvenir of gold, I could see love being overridden with empty smiles and frustrating cries. I don’t know what to look for, the actions or words or gestures. As a child, I just saw human faces carrying a universe inside them, wanting to say something, wanting to tell something, wanting to be heard, wanting to be understood for once. As I grew up, it changed. I couldn’t define what anyone wants; more importantly what I want from myself.
While I was struggling with who am I and what do I want; the universe held my hand and told me to take a step further. I had fortune most people only dream about. I met people old and young; different caste and religion; near and far; professionals and amateurs. First time in my life, I felt I stepped out of home but to another home. For these people whose names will be engraved in my heart forever till I die shaped me, my small little world that just once thought it’s an impossible world to live in.
I would rather put it in a way that I can relate to; my accomplishments that I savour to remind myself my worth is subject to external influences. I get drifted and kill myself most times intentionally with the statements like I don’t matter. Not even knowing, it is killing the people who smile, love and share because I do. The egoism, the flattery, self-mockery, trying to become something takes away a part of me that I am not. It takes away the precious jewel that I carved long ago on this road to being connected and kind. And then came a storm that was unusually hard and I drowned. Forgetting all the goodness, a pyramid of hope fell and light that I wanted to spread diminished. “Yes, I diminished.”
It is all good and I am doing great! What about you? The validity of these questions expires when relations break or when we fail or get rejected at any stage of life. There is no communication, nothing of any sort. We are just left with bare hands full of negativity and reasons to cry. We become indifferent and question, “Am I wrong,” “I am not worth”. It must have been me who doesn’t know anything and I don’t belong.
Amidst all these plethora of emotions, there are choices, decisions that we can take. Any decision whatsoever will have a consequence and we should be prepared for that too. I developed a fear for numbers when I was 7 years, failed in Mathematics and until now I feel I’m weak. This is just a single instance where I interpreted that life is unfair. And there are many more. You know life has its own ways to teach you kindness when people accept the way you are. Love you for your madness and not numbers, treat you as if you are the princess, hold your hands so tight that you don’t fall, cry with you so that you can laugh your heart out, believe that it is not my dream, it’s our dreams. You start living, you start breathing again, most importantly you start believing it’s possible.
I owe a world full of gratitude to these people. They have crossed my path and made a human being worthy to understand life. To feel life, to feel every emotion, for I am ‘NO THING” I am human.
I am Summi Arora, working as Sr. QA Engineer with an IT company in Pune. I am also an Authorpreneur, freelance writer and event coordinator for mental health awareness project, Mojo Minds .
I love to cook food when I am not writing. I published my poetry book Revelations-Poems on Life in 2015. Also, co authored the second book Soul’s Sojourn alongwith 33 authors published in March 2018.
My affinity for nature makes me wake up every morning and adore the sunlight. I also call myself as an avid traveler as I love to explore places and connect with this life. This is just a small part of me. I love empowering people and I am also associated with Youtube channel Kalakaarzz and organization -Asha-Pachpan Me Bachpan.