Depression to Expression

Depression to Expression

Depression to Expression

When Sheeba returned to her home after her duty at Gwalior, she was in a tumultuous condition. Consumed by her own thoughts of fighting alone with ten terrorists, and shooting one after another, she shivered in her spine terribly. The dark and horrid thoughts scared her and drained off her spirits. She was wrecking from inside out.

Her seven-year-old daughter Merlyn did not understand what was her mother going through. She insisted, ” Mamma, teach me this poem, I am not getting answers to these questions”. Sheeba sat down to teach Merlyn as she didn’t want to disappoint her. The courage she had gathered to teach dissipated very soon. The poem was regarding -ten soldiers who ask for a damsel’s hand. The same terrorist thoughts flashed in front of Sheeba and she could not concentrate any longer. She said, “Merlyn, let us sit for the homework in the evening. Now let us go to the garden and see the new flowers.” She leads her daughter to the garden. The beautiful flowers kept Sheeba occupied for some time. The terrorist thoughts visited her again. Now she was unable to control herself. She lost her calm. Ran to the stairs, climbed up and knocked Dr.Shailesh’s door. As soon the door opened, she blurted out ” Dr Give me a pill to kill myself”. The doctor showed a chair, where she slumped and told everything that she was going through. Tears welled up in her dark large eyes and flowed incessantly on her cheeks. Voice became incoherent as she cried. The doctor consoled her and referred her to a psychiatrist.

Dr.Shailesh had accompanied Sheeba to the psychiatrist. Sheeba was diagnosed ‘Schizoaffective disorder’ which had the symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar mental disorder.

Sheeba was in deep trauma. Her confidence was shaken vehemently. She did not know how to face the world with this kind of branding. She sobbed on the motorbike till she reached home and hugged Rajesh, her husband. Dr Shailes explained to Rajesh about her behaviour and the doctor’s verdict on her. Sheeba sat there a long time thinking. She observed Rajesh and Merlyn. Rajesh appeared in a pensive mood and Merlyn playful. Schizoaffective disorder!!Mental illness!! She could not accept herself. What Rajesh must be feeling? Will he shower the same love and affection on me? Will Merlyn accept me? How embarrassing? How will I face the world? She rose. Went to her bedroom and closed the door. Rajesh who was lost in thoughts became worried. He knocked the bedroom door twice. She didn’t want to lose Sheeba who had at a point of time immensely sacrificed for him. He knocked again. No sound. He took three or four attempts to push before he could get the doors open. Thank God!! Sheeba was sleeping. She was tired by the whole proceedings that took place from the morning.,

The medicines Sheeba took kept her drowsy throughout the day. The recurring thoughts reduced but still, she was not very happy. She had a loving husband, a pretty daughter but her own mind was a place not very reliable to live. She practised meditation and surveyed the literature of schizo disorder and understood the combination of measures for the disease -Medicines, love and acceptance in the family and self-control measures. She had a higher calling. She started an ambitious NGO- ‘Depression to expression’, where she gave techniques and lessons to fight the social stigma and self-relaxation techniques. She devoted her life to make mentally ill live happier lives. Her videos on mental health are on the meltdown on the internet.

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