When life gives you lemon, make lemonade. Sounds crazy though but its impressive how one can steer the way of one’s life to reach their dreams.
In this adventurous journey called life, nearly a million times I came across people who were generous enough to understand why I am doing, what I am doing. There was a foundation on which relationships were built all this while. I had surrendered myself completely, undeterred to achieve whatever I had planned for. Undoubtedly, these relations have been fundamental in building a world of my own, especially at times when I merely wanted to sit, cry and watch my life dragging.
When someone asks me to share my life with them, I really look back and recollect how far I have come, counting the tumultuous days and sleepless nights. Yes, I certainly recall my hopes, dreams, beliefs and home. It’s so easy to judge, criticise and complain every time and never consider the power of acknowledgement, appreciation and kindness surrounding us. Let me tell you, “I’m no different.” I always thought these expressions require a saintly heart which I don’t seem to possess. To me, it seemingly felt like asking a victim, a mere survivor of circumstances to suddenly start liking a world for which she developed immense hatred with lot of practice.
And why is that so? Over a decade, I’ve experienced criticism for everything I did, said or heard; hence, I built a protective shell around me, which stated, “Don’t step ahead, it’s dangerous for you and me.” I did not know the reason for it, yet it gave me a bit of relief. At least, it is better that you can take on the shortcomings of your personality, your mindfulness or your mediocrity and for not standing out from the crowd and blame the other person for that. I did that as it was easy. I had no idea. I often thought if I can’t blame people, situations, the world and this universe, what shall I do? Be it trying my luck at engineering, pushing my hands into poetry, leading social events for big crowds, beating the cacophony in the bathroom or showing boomerang dance steps; creating something new, thrilling, and exciting was what my heart always sought. Deep down, a lonely, desolate voice, meek and silent kept calling me to shut my eyes for some time, and seek a higher self.
Every time I tried to pull myself from the shells of the walls I had created, it got painfully and hauntingly harder. I ended up finding escape routes. Most of the times, it was done at the expense of hurting the people who had held my hands in times, good and bad. Whatever they may call me – a literate, an intellect or a souvenir of gold, I could see love being overridden with empty smiles and frustrating cries. I didn’t know what to look for, the actions or words or gestures. As a child, I just saw human faces carrying a universe inside them, attempting to say something, desperate to be heard, waiting to be understood for once. As I grew up, it changed. I couldn’t define what anyone wanted and more importantly what I wanted from myself.
While I was struggling with ‘Who am I and what I want?’ the universe held my hand and told me to take a step further. I had the fortune which most people only dream about. I met people – old and young – of different castes and religions, near and far, professionals and amateurs. For the first time in my life, I felt I had stepped out of home but to step into another home. It was these people whose names would be engraved in my heart forever till my death, those who shaped me, my small little mind that thought it’s an impossible world to live in.
I would rather put it in a way that I can relate to. My accomplishments that I conjure up to remind myself, my worth is subject to external influences. I get drifted and kill myself most times intentionally with statements like ‘I don’t matter.’ Not even realizing that it is killing the people who smile, love and share because I do. The egoism, the flattery, self-mockery, trying to become something, takes away a part of me that I am not. It takes away the precious jewel that I carved long ago on this road to be connected and kind. Then came a storm that was unusually hard and I drowned. Forgetting all the goodness, a ray of hope fell and the light that I wanted to spread seemed to diminish. “Yes, I diminished.”
It is all good and I am doing great! What about you? The validity of these questions expire when relations break or when we fail or get rejected at any stage of life. There is no communication of any sort. We are just left with hands full of negativity and reasons to cry. We become indifferent and question, “Am I wrong?” “Am I not worth?” “I must be the one who doesn’t know anything!” and “I don’t belong anywhere!”
Amidst the plethora of emotions, there are choices and decisions that we can take. Any decision will have a consequence and we should be prepared for that too. I developed a fear for numbers when I was seven years and failed in Mathematics and until now I feel I’m weak in that subject. This is just a single instance where I interpreted that life is unfair. There are many more. You know life has its own ways to teach you kindness when people accept you, the way you are. People who’ll love you for your madness and not numbers, treat you as if you are a princess, hold your hands so tight that you don’t fall, cry with you so that you can laugh your heart out, believe that it is not ‘your’ dream but ‘our’ dream. It is at those times when you start living, you start breathing again, and most importantly you start believing that it’s possible.
I owe a lot of gratitude to these people. They have crossed my path and made a human being like me realise my worth and enabled me to understand life. To feel life, to feel every emotion, for I am “NOTHING.”
I am human.