Today, reminded me of my childhood days. The day went very slowly and peacefully. The beautiful weather and immobility of limbs due to fever has helped me a lot to relax. I said to myself, yes I have slowed down. All these years I was just whirling like the wind, my life had become so hectic that I forgot to see and enjoy the smallest things in life. All my decisions were very bold. I was stubborn and never agreed to take a back step. Always forward looking and believed in being engaged in multiple things all the time. At a time, I worked on multiple projects though each project was different in its approach and was from a different sector. I had targets and goals to achieve. I never said no to any work. I could work for 18 hours a day. Be it the most important personal engagement, I found very little time as these were viewed as trivial. I am doing something big was my outlook. Despite, this go-get it outlook, I experienced both satisfaction and dissatisfaction at the same time. I was enforcing myself to be happy all the time. When I do the work myself I had a sense of achievement. But on the other hand, when I shared the work with my colleagues I used to feel frustrated and would rework on the whole project again. I used to get a bit agitated. My expectations were very different and I was assuming my ideas to be very superior. I could get done only repetitive jobs more successfully through others and nothing related to the final output and deliverables. Now I understand how small others would have felt seeing my agitation.
By being busy I missed out on many joys. I was feeling pressure from my children for small things though they were not so demanding. I missed visiting my dad during the most crucial moments. I kept on complaining on the demands on my time. I never hesitated to get up in the midnight and attempted to write reports. What did I achieve finally? I did not make huge money, nor I earned the goodwill of my colleagues nor I got great appreciation from my clients. While I focused more on deliverables, I let lose finances. This resulted in much losses. Vendor payments got piled up. It had become harder to recover from them. I had to borrow loans to meet my daily expenditure. Being obsessed with quality, did not allow me to look at the operations part.
With all these I never felt I lost track. I still had justification to do what I am doing. Even now, I don’t regret on my attitude. May be I am more protective of my self-esteem. Even now I have a tendency to rush and do many things at a time. One of my teachers said, you can do multitasking but you cannot work with muti-focus. I still don’t know. When health hit badly, I had no other alternative than to go at a pace slower than my regimental style. But accepting to take a shift in the thinking and the style was no easy. I had to slow down. I had to make proper choice in the projects I took. The brakes were applied not at once. It had happened over the last quarter. I feel more relaxed now. I have taken things as they come. I now feel I am in the flow. Finding more happiness in everything in life and in every relationship.